The Sleep~Talkin' Man

Somniloquists are people who talk in their sleep. According to sleepdisorderhelp.com, they make up only 5 percent of men and women.

The Sleep-Talking Man, Adam, is one very special somniloquist.

It seems that while Adam slumbers - almost every night - the Adam that he is to the waking world sleeps, while a vulgar, vegetable-loathing Adam rises to galavant through his dreams.

Karen, Adam's wife, records their sleep throughout the night, and in the morning she blogs whatever the tapes show him saying.

Here is a list of some of the things she has blogged:

(Imagine Adam as Karen describes him: mild-mannered and English.)

"Don't eat the jelly! Don't eat the jelly! I made it with frog wee. It'll turn your teeth green... Like mini apples."

"You can't be a pirate if you haven't got a beard. I said so. MY boat, MY rules."

"I haven't put on weight. Your eyes are fat."

"Don't... Don't put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They'll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings."

"Don't leave the duck there. It's totally irresponsible. Put it on the swing, it'll have much more fun."

"It's CHICKEN and you LIKE IT. Lentil-loving, bean burger-shitting wanker."

"Vegetarians will be the first to go. That's my plan. Vegans haven't got a hope. 'I eat air, I'm so healthy...' Bollocks!"

"Put it down! Step away from the yam. Step away!"

"Fluffy bunny + twitchy nose + big ears = great stew."

(^All from one night.)

"Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We're done for.... done for."

"I don't want to die! I love sex. And furry animals."

"Now fuck off and let me bask in the glory of being me."

"Flap's on fire. Your flap's on fire! Chili in the vagiiiiina. I'm a bad bad boy."

(Karen includes, "note: you guys have to imagine 'chili in the vagina' in a child's sing-song cadence. Creeeeepy.")



And, of course, two of my favorites:



"Shhhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhhh. I'm telling you: your voice, my ears. A bad combination."

and

"Yes I'm sad, but if you stood further away, I'd be happier. No, further away. Well, let's face it, just fucking CUNT OFF! Thank you, I appreciate it."


I discovered the STM and Karen just this morning on...GMA? (Don't quote me on that...) But already their blog has given more laughs than every other blog I normally read put together.

It makes me happy to know I have something so...unique to look forward to every day =] .